| 1. Entering the Theater.
When approaching the ticket window, one must talk about the most disgusting topic, so that anyone within earshot of you will choose the opposite movie, ergo an empty theater. Once the ticketmaster asks which movie you would like to see, you must contemplate for a moment, even if you have been standing in line for quite some time, so not to seem eager and pathetic. No one likes the loser kid who spends all their time at the movies.
Once tickets are purchased, and carefully inspected, you may now enter the actual building. Upon enter the large foyer, you must not go directly to snack counter. If you do, this will make you look like a pig, and alert the other patrons that once again, you are a loser. Instead, mosey your way along one side of the room, appreciating the movie posters, and stoping once and a while to discuss one. DO NOT get overly excited if you see a poster that is interesting. Instead, draw attention to it, and start a discussion about the pros and cons of the film, thus making you look intellectual and artsy. After all posters are discussed in due time, make your way over to the snack counter.
When picking out food, there are a few rules to follow. DO NOT pick food that will crunch, unless you decide to devour it in the few minutes before the film. Even then it is not appreciated. DO NOT pick the food that has overbearing odor. No one enjoys sitting in the theater and smelling your damn greasy pizza. DO choose popcorn, no movie is complete without stale theater corn. DO pick something sweet, it complements the salty popcorn nicely. DO NOT pick individually wrapped candy, or candy wrapped in loud plastic. This is very annoying. When it comes to drinks, choose the medium size. If your drink is too small, you will end up leaving the movie to get more. If your drink is too big, you end up leaving the movie to take a piss. If you choose the medium, it will quench your thirst, but won't fill you up so much that it makes sitting through the film painful.
Once snacks are purchased it is now time to find your seat.
2. Finding Your Seat
Upon entering the theater, asses if it is stadium or regular. If the theater is flat, it is better to sit near the front. The less heads in your way the better. You dont really want to sit through mystery science theater, do you? If it is stadium seating, sit no farther front than the middle, but the higher the better. Also, no matter the floor plan, sit as near to the center of the theater as possible. It is easier on the eyes if you sit directly under the projector beam.
Secondly upon entering, you need to account for how many people are in the theater. It the number is few, it is customary to sit as far from them as possible. No less than four rows away, and definitely not within earshot. If the theater is relatively full, take a second to choose your seating chart.
2b. Choosing seating also depends on your viewing partner.
If you are male, viewing with another male, use the buffer zone. DO NOT sit directly next to eachother. This may give off the homovibe, forcing an automatic gamekiller. Instead, use the seat between you as a buffer zone. Place your jackets, food, etc. in the empty space.
If you are male, viewing with female, sit directly next to eachother, and out of eyesight of any other viewer. If the theater is full, sit as far back as possible. This creates a sense of intimacy, since no one can view you, unless sitting next to you. If the theater is empty, pick the top row, middle seats. The way, absolutely no one can witness what happens between you during the film.
If you are female, viewing with another female, generic rules apply.
2c. Switching seats once a gamekiller sets it.
A game killer is anyone who sits within your personal bubble. Now, for some of you, your personal bubble is vast...so get over it. But for some, when another viewer sits within even ONE seat of you, that is enough. If you are a male, and another male sits within one to two seats of you - with an empty theater - it is completely within reason to ask them to move. If you are female, just get up and find another seat. Theres nothing more tragic to an ego than a girl moving seats when oneself sits down. Once seats are finally chosen, and firmly planted, it is time to watch the movie.
3. Cinemalimbo
The timespan from when seats are chosen, to the beginning of the previews, there is a special time called 'cinemalimbo'. This is the time when it is alright to hold a conversation, preferably about films or something to do with cinema. It is NOT alright to talk about relationships and/or personal problems. No one else wants to hear it. This is also the time to shut off/turn your phone to silent.
4. General Movie Etiquette
Once the movie begins, it is NOT alright to talk. No matter what, keep your yapper shut. Instead, if you see a preview that you think is rad, shoot your viewing partner a wide eyed look while nodding your head. They'll get the message. During the actual film, sink as low in your chair as possible. This is for several reasons. First, its comfortable. Nothing feels better than nearly laying down and watching a good movie with a friend. Unless you're male, viewing with a male - then you lean back and put your feet up on the seat in front of you. This also makes you look badass, and more attractive to female onlookers. If you notice the one asshole who hasnt turned off their phone (there is ALWAYS one), hold tight, maybe it they were turning it off. If problem persists, it is completely acceptable to shout obscenities and toss food at said a-hole to alert them to the annoyance. If problem still persists, call the theater manager...maybe you'll get a free ticket out of it.
4b. If you are a male, viewing a romantic/drama film with a female, it is perfectly acceptable to 'put on the moves' if you are relatively alone in the theater - and out of sight/earshot. But please, keep it PG-13.
If you are a female, viewing a romantic/drama film with another female, same rules apply. If viewing partner does not sway that way, offer a tissue instead.
If you are a male, viewing a romantic/drama film with another male....get up and leave. Seriously.
4c. If you are a male, viewing a horror film with a female, same generic rules apply. Unless it is a super gory film, and then you are just sick. Seek help.
If you are female, viewing a horror film with another female, it is perfectly acceptable to hold eachother during the 'scary' parts. But please, if you are too much of a wuss to watch the film without holding your hands to your eyes, then you are a failure at humanity.
If you are male, viewing a horror film with another male, keep buffer zone in mind. Holding eachother during a scary film is NOT acceptable, whether homo or not. Guys are supposed to be tuff. So buck up and watch the damn movie like a man.
5. End Credits.
Once the movie is over, and the credits start to roll, a few rules apply. If the credits are nothing more than words rolling by, slowly get up and merge into downward traffic. If the credits have fun snippets, or bloopers running through them, it is up to oneself if leaving is appropriate. Rule of thumb is - if there are still moving pictures, stay and watch... or you might miss something.
Now, if you are a big movie buff (like some almost-annonymous writers) stay through the credits no matter what. Look carefully at the names, appreciate what they have done, laugh at the funny names. Sometimes, directors put in little phrases or hilarious thank yous just for people who linger in theaters. And even sometimes they put a little easter egg at the end - usually a blooper, or a last minute thought. These become what inside jokes are made of.
If you do decide to leave the theater, a simple heal to to toe motion is most commonly used. DO NOT touch the railing. A hundred snotty, candy encrusted hands have touched that, not to mention what might be on it if you saw a romantic/drama film. Ish, just dont do it. Give yourself time to adjust to the bright light or astonishment to the sudden darkness. Once outside, try to contain yourself until you get to your car. Only then is it alright to burst with every thought on the movie. Then go home and dream about what you just saw, or try to forget it.
6. Repeat Next Day.
Thank you for reading this month's enstallment of 'Life's Lessons, as Told by Anna Hooge'
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